Inconsequential News Quiz: The ‘You’re out of your element, Jason’ Edition
1) The town of Damascus is suing Faulkner County Prosecutor Cody Hiland. What’s the issue?
A) Hiland’s ongoing attempts to officially change the name of the town to “Butthole of the Universe.”
B) Hiland’s unorthodox “full contact” Little League coaching style, which has resulted in seven hospitalizations and two deaths. C) Hiland forbade the Damascus Police Department from enforcing traffic laws along U.S. Highway 65, after determining the town qualifies as a “speed trap.”
D) Hiland’s insistence on trying to use dark magic to wake the vast, slumbering hellbeast created by the 1980 Titan II missile explosion.
2) Little Rock’s cruelty and indifference to the poor seems to know no bounds, a fact most recently displayed by a new ordinance under consideration by the City Board. What would the ordinance do?
A) Force homeless people to fight bears and tigers at the Little Rock Zoo for entertainment, while armed with only sharp sticks and trashcan lids. B) Makes it illegal to feed free meals to more than 25 people in a city park without a permit, with groups barred from serving such meals more than two times a year at any park.
C) Requires poor children to immediately surrender their candy to anyone carrying a Prada bag. D) Requires that soundproof fiberglass “Dignity Domes” be placed over the head of every Little Rock resident who earns less than 110 percent of the federal poverty level.
3) Travis Scott, a rapper who is apparently the boyfriend of professional attractive person Kylie Jenner, was recently arrested in Rogers. What was the charge?
A) Inciting a riot and disorderly conduct after he allegedly encouraged concertgoers at the Walmart AMP venue to rush the stage, resulting in the injury of a security guard and a Rogers police officer. B) Gratuitous autotuned dickbaggery.
C) Refused to let Rogers Mayor Gregg Merkin take the stage to “rap with the hip-hoppers for a minute about abstinence.”
D) A completely trumped-up charge, with the goal of holding him hostage until the entire Jenner/Kardashian clan agrees to go away and never return.
4) Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) recently took to Facebook Live to complain for over 20 minutes about a billboard put up near Toad Suck by the group ARrevolution.org that encourages him to resign. In the video, Rapert held up his phone several times to show the names of people associated with AR Revolution, saying, “We want to make sure these people get all the publicity they want.” One of the names he displayed is likely familiar to most everyone but Rapert. What was the name?
A) Jesus H. Christ. B) Jacob Rapert, Jason’s non-evil identical twin. C) Walter Sobchak, John Goodman’s character in “The Big Lebowski.”
D) Dr. Jacques P. Thiroux, author of the book “Ethics: Theory and Practice.”
5) A Centerton woman was recently arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault after she allegedly did something that some might consider heroic. What, according to investigators, did she do?
A) Reported to police that she had looked out her window and witnessed a 14-year-old boy allegedly sexually assaulting her neighbor’s dog, only to be told by cops that he would have to be caught in the act.
B) Saw the same kid allegedly sexually assaulting the dog again, and this time tried to effect a citizen’s arrest. C) Allegedly fired a warning shot into the ground as the boy who was later charged as a juvenile with two counts of bestiality and one count of criminal trespassing fled the scene in only his boxer shorts. D) All of the above.